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It was just a few weeks ago that a friend and I were thinking that we ought to give a "bad" cigar a try - like a White Owl or Dutch Masters - so we can say that we've smoked crappy cigars and can gauge the finer ones. I guess one should be careful of what you wish for, lest you get it.

So, when my folks came back from Italy with two boxes of cigars from the Tuscany region... I figured "well, who am I to complain?" I'm told that Tuscany was known for their fine tobacco products, and what better way to find out? Not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth, I figured "what the heck", and looked forward to what might have been a wonderful new smoking experience. Unfortunately, it just wasn't so. It's hard to know where to begin. Just about everything was wrong with this experience.

For high-res photos, go to my website here: Clicky

From the get-go, the packaging should have been an obvious indicator as to what we were dealing with. Bundled five to a cardboard box, and shrink wrapped with a pull-strip, what can you say about a cigar that sells for under $20 per box of 25 and looks like it should be merchandised next to the Twinkies and Marlboros?

Upon opening the box, the cigars can only be described as looking like shriveled mummy dicks. The cigars are about 6" long, less than 1/2" in diameter at the largest point, crooked, with veins and irregularities that have more in common with a rattan plate holder than tobacco. In short, they're probably the most horrid looking cigars I've seen so far.

The pre-light fragrance of the Toscani cigar is more or less that of a mesquite grill. My understanding is that the tobacco is aged and cured by smoking over a fire. While that technique might be popular for making Lox or beef jerkey, and the fragrance not entirely displeasing, I'm not sure it's what you want to look for in a quality tobacco product.

Despite the rather unappealing exterior characteristics, these cigars are fairly well packed. Plenty of tightly wrapped tobacco was present - as much as you can have in a ~35 RG cigar (at its widest point); so much so, that even the female taster attested to the fact that it was more or less like sucking a golf ball through a garden hose, and insisted that if ever she needed any practice off hours in public, this would be the way to go.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so it's said, and not wanting to make any assumptions, we proceeded to light the ends and give it a shot. Nothing is worse than jumping to conclusions. Except when you find out your conclusions were right.

Flavor is where it's at, and in this area, I can say that I haven't had a worse-tasting cigar yet. It was a smoky, burning acrid flavor that actually was so pungent it began burning my taste buds and caused the lining of my mouth to tingle in all the wrong ways. All three of the tasters agreed that we couldn't get even to 1" of the cigar, and let them extinguish on their own. Even the boquet of them while burning reminded me of singed pubic hair. Not that I've ever burned my pubic hair, but if I did, that's what it would smell like.

Even though I've only had a short career as a cigar smoker, I can say that these cigars have pretty much hit rock bottom in the cigar world. I'll give the Italians "props" for cooking, automobiles and Opera, but when it comes to 'sigari', they just fell down very badly.

But don't take my word for it. For those of you who are interested in a laugh... I still have seven mummydicks left. :D
 

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Re: Toscani (Italian Cigars)

:r my aunt went to Italy and brought back a box for my dad and I. Both of us agree 100% with what you said. These things make a Garcia y Vega good.
 

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Re: Toscani (Italian Cigars)

Upon opening the box, the cigars can only be described as looking like shriveled mummy dicks. The cigars are about 6" long, less than 1/2" in diameter at the largest point, crooked, with veins and irregularities that have more in common with a rattan plate holder than tobacco. In short, they're probably the most horrid looking cigars I've seen so far.
Funniest description I have read in a while. Nice Review.
 

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Re: Toscani (Italian Cigars)

They sound horried for sure.

Shriveled mummy dicks and burning pubic hair. With that review I can think of a few on this forum that might be interested :)

Stacey
 

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Re: Toscani (Italian Cigars)

I spit ramen all over my damn desk!! That was quite possibly the funniest Review i have ever read
 

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Re: Toscani (Italian Cigars)

These are definatley different cigars. This is a cigar smoked by alot of older smokers with their coffee or while reading the newspaper at the Italian outside cafes.

They are not a the best cigar out there for sure. These are the Italian Swisher Sweets. Just a cheapie cigar.

Nice review.
 

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Petri Toscani

Great review, I kept waiting for you to say it was the best cigar you had ever tasted! I never once saw my Italian grandfather without one of these crooked little cigars in the corner of his mouth. I think I was as afraid of the cigar as I was of him!! Then trying to figure out how to give him a kiss on the cheek without smelling it!
 
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