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1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
Thought he was God and I didn't!

2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10) Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

15) God must love stupid people, he made so many.

16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.

18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

24) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)

26) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things
I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

27) Procrastinate Now

28) Rehab Is for Quitters
29) My Dog Can Lick Anyone

32) Finally 21, and Legally Able To Do Everything
I've Been Doing Since 15

33) West Virginia: One million people and 15 last names

34) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION.
It comes bundled with the software.

35) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT

37) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

38) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

40) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken

41) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead

43) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....
Cops have nothing to go on.

44) FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

45) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH

46) A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1000 WORDS,
But it uses up a 1000 times the memory.

47) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.

48) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

49) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
Commitment for a pig.

50) WELCOME TO SOUTH CAROLINA -
Set your watch back 20 years.

51) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
 
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