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Hey I figure I come across so many funny one liners that we should have a thread specifically for them so post your one-liners here.

BTW this one is really a two liner but hey..... I posted the thread so :tg

How do you stop a Taliban tank?

Shoot the guy pushing it!
 

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668 Posts
take my wife.............please

hey waiter, there's a fly in my soup

hey I'm looking for some Trojans..............sorry, I just sold my last pack

"A Hospital"?? it's a big building with patients but that's not important now

Johnny...........have you even been in a Turkish bath?

look at my thumb.........<WHAP!!!!>..........gee you're dumb

Blutarski..............zero point zero

Hey........where all white women?

vat knockers?......................zank you.

no, that's I-GORE

your mother was a hampster and your father smells of elderberry!!!!!

and they ate the minstrals.........and there was much rejoicing
 

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What would Skeeter do?
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4,202 Posts
Say the magic word.....a duck will come down & you'll win fifty dollars.

GROUCHO MARX
 

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11,412 Posts
favorite movie line:

from say anything, the little kid at the gas-n-sip after the guy gets dumped.
"bitches, man...."

^^^what makes that funny is that it's a little kid who knows nothing about "bitches".
 

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Skeeter's Confidant
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7,197 Posts
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
 

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floydp said:
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
Ha ha ha ha!! Like that one!

A doctor tells a drunk:"If you dont stop drinking youre going to be blind!". The drunk:"Well, Ive seen the most of the things...!"
 

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HOT for HILLARY!!
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3,591 Posts
Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

Used it in my poli sci midterm a year ago.


There might be legal precedent! Of course, Landsnatching . . . land, land, Land, see Snatch. Ah, Hailie vs. United Sates. Hailie: 7, United States: nothing. You see, it can be done!

Gentlemen, please. Rest your sphincters
 

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How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
 

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How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
 

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What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
 

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Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
 

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Chimpus herfustus
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These will probably get me 86'd from the boards but what the heck...

How do you make 5 lbs of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

When I read about the dangers of drinking I stopped reading.

What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

Paul, be gentle...

SB
 

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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

If Noah had been smart he would
have swatted those two flies.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life.
(unless I buy something)

I gave up smoking, drinking and sex.
It was the worst fifteen minutes of my life.

Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Always give 100% at work:
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

If life serves you lemons, make lemonade.
If life gives you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

God Made Pot.
Man Made Beer.
Who Do You Trust?

I still miss my ex.
but my aim is getting better!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Gargling twice a day is a good way
to see if your throat leaks.

Money does grow on trees.
It's just that the banks
own all the branches.

I was only looking at
your nametag, honest!

I spent most of my money on
whisky, women and cigars.
The rest I just wasted.

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Don't get married.
Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

They call it "PMS" because
"Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
 

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this one was an original.

When I was about 9 or 10 I went to the john to take a leak during diner. When I came back to the table my mom started in on "did you wash your hands." Yes Mom I did.
"before or after"... I turned to her, looked her straight in the eye and said during...Fortunately for me dad busted out laughing in stead of busting my arse!

T
 
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