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What do you call a mushroom who buys drinks for everyone at the bar? A fungi (fun guy)

What did one but say to the other on the way out the door? Imma cashew later

Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off? He’s all right now

A group of miners walk into a bar after work, bartender says gentlemen I’m sorry but we are not allowed to serve minors.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the middle school today? It’s ok now, he woke up.




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I gave away all of my dead batteries today...free of charge.

I had a dream I was drowning in an ocean of orange soda last night but it was just a Fanta sea.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that's the last thing I need.

My wife told me to stop acting like a Flamingo...I had to put my foot down!

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
 

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Minister of Propaganda
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1,320 Posts
Bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer a while back.

No idea what he laced them with.

I was tripping for a week.

In hind sight, I should have known better than to do business with a guy named “Tree Frog.” He was kind of shady. And a little jumpy.


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Minister of Propaganda
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1,320 Posts
I have a joke about a defective ruler.
But it's too long.



I also have a joke about dry mud.
But it's dirty.



I'm working on a joke about a broken speaker.
You'll never hear it.



I wrote a joke about math.
But there's a problem.



I wanted to write a joke about the profitability of Kleenex.
It's nothing to sneeze at.



I got into snail racing a few years ago. I thought I'd make mine faster by taking off his shell.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.



I'll see myself out.
 

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If you're in a restaurant waiting on the waiter aren't you the waiter?

If you work security at the Samsung Store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

If you buy a bigger bed you're left with more bed room but less bedroom!
 
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