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After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in
and get out. Equally, unfortunately, my wife is like most women ---she loves to
browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Hill,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to
ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Hill are listed below
and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.July2: Set all the alarm clocks in
House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3.July7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'

5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.

6.August 14: Moved the 'CAUTION - WET
FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department.

8.August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9.September 4th: Looked right into the security camera and used it
as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible'

12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna
Look' by using different sizes of funnels

13.October 18:He hid in a clothing
rack and when people browsed by, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

and last, but not least

15.October 23:Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!
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