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344 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Got this from another sight, almost fell of my chair reading it...

Now, I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication,
but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth. Funniest damn thing
that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out
to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that
macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that
it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with
Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little
bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little
connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot
bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible
in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to
the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that
evening, I tell you -- in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian
ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much,
however. I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas
and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelming plates of food, I was in
real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having
trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At
first, I thought it was only gas which could have been passed in batches
right at the table without to much concern. Unfortunately, that was not to

After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive
diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines
far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I
digress... I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon
entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to
the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of
them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the
handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit,
but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse
than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal
wire cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit. I
went to the normal stall. In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the
large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that
bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long
under the circumstances.

By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was
reaching Biblical proportions. I began "The Move". For those women who may
be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know
exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time
comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can
not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that
involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to
position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones
waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same
time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in
the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that ones ass is
properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the
choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event
that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of
coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw
a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little
bastards attending kids night; it was mounded up in the corner so I did not
notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have
been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure
upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once
that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the
bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a
rematch. What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events
are a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can. In that
moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the
goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was
half crotched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load
of vomit coming up my esophagus. Now, most of you know that vomiting takes
precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your
ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill
you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not
aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My
attention was thus diverted.

At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as
a know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000
Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be
most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the
consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying
out of my ass. But remember, I was only half-way down on the toilet at that
moment. The shit wave was of such force and of just such an angle in
relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the
back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to
the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down. Recall
that when that event occurred, I was already half-way to sitting anyway and
had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself
as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain
point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say,
the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to
completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls,
unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water
hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and
no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit
remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed

Now, back to the vomit...

While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By
the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with
a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what
does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I
bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending
over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs,
positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which
were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles.
Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with
elastic on the ankles? In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and
beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were
deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom
down by my feet.

In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of
turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants full
of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered
on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had
enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets
of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring
curiously in the shape of a toilet seat. And there was no ****ing toilet
paper. What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac
to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was
OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying
hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the
manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the
manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was
prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I
was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed
several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I
told him where we were sitting and he left.

At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit
in my pants or something similarly benign. About two minutes later, my wife
came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount
of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble
getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing
that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed
that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the
car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had
no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new
underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to
considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And
she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to
ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I
would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for
the time being. She left.

The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry
ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me
that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving
him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that
night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what
with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage or just
slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity
of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that
I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose.
Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile
floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up
easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to
the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet

Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed
them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into
the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I
finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still
stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out
of the stall to get redressed in the event I happened to be standing there
naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made
a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.
When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the
entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the
room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to
go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out,
three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing
ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up
again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to
pick me up by the front door. The upshot of all this is that I strongly
recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest
management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.


3,075 Posts

Laughed so much I almost s--t in my pants . . . oops!!!
Gotta run to the bathroom!!

1,058 Posts
OMG!!!!! ROFLMAOPMP!!!! Thanks -- I needed a good laugh - my neigbors secretary just came it to see if I was ok... she thought I was crying!!!

344 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
the first time i read through it, it took me almost 45 minutes because every other minute i had to stop and wipe the tears from my eyes i was laughing so hard!! Thought everyone would get a kick out of it here !!!!


1,305 Posts
This reminds me of the time I was mtn biking. I always bring toilet paper with me just in case. My friend said that he might have to take a dump. I gave him the bag of toilet paper. While he was gone, my bowels started rumbling BIG TIME. I tried to wait as long as I could, so I could get my toilet paper back.

After a while, I couldn't hold out any longer. I tried to start walking away from the trail a bit. After several body convulsions in mid step, I knew that I couldn't make it any further. I knew that my sphincter was about to give out; so I had to drop my shorts and lean up against a tree right at that moment.

After sitting there for a couple minutes pressed up against a tree, making sure that my feet were far out in front of me, my friend comes strolling back. I tell him to toss me the toilet paper, and there's only several sheets left. I know I had brought enough to wipe 2 a**es, but the *ucker had to use up just about all of it.

While I was still leaned up against the tree, another rider comes rolling by. I just sat there hoping he wouldn't see me, but I don't think the 20 yard buffer between myself and the trail was enough. Anyways, I was able to get cleaned up and get back on the bike feeling lighter for the 1/2 hour downhill ride.

What's the moral of the story? Never lend anyone your toilet paper unless you bring a full roll!

2,049 Posts
OOOOOOHHHHHHHH MMMMMYYYYY GGGGOOOOOODDDDDD that was funny as hell, well written toooo :r

1,431 Posts
Alas, I read this at work and was laughing so hard I probably will be fired! Oh well, it was that good!!!!!!!

:r :r


1,431 Posts
I am STILL having people that I have shared this with come up laughing to me! Man, if you haven't read this yet, you have got to read it!

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