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A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say. 'That's dynamite, baby.' - Jack Handey

A jury consists of twelve people to decide who has a better lawyer. - Robert Frost

Pulling a moonie in front of ten of your friends: good idea; pulling a moonie in front of one of your friends: bad idea.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example. - Mark Twain

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- A. Whitney Brown

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.' - Jack Handey

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
- Jack Handey

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. - George Carlin

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. - Homer J.Simpson

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. - Jack Handey

A fine cigar is just like a woman. If you don't light it up just right and suck on it with a certain frequency, it will go out on you



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