Just wanted to share some of my favs:
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now...
There are some good ones in here - worth a look!!
I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really...
Can't understand why my wife got such a kick out of this.
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep...
My dad sent me this during midterms to cheer me up :D
Rodney Dangerfield One-liners:
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt...